draconicdog: Headshot of a Lucario. (Default)
Content warning: discussion of acephobic rhetoric, mentions of panphobia, mentions of anti-xenogender rhetoric

Before I get into the rest of this entry, I should make it abundantly clear that I am not an exclusionist, though I used to be one. When I was an exclusionist, I did not harass inclusionists nor did I engage in debate or argument. I strictly kept to myself and lurked. I don't engage in inclus/exclus discourse at all anymore, but I align myself with radical inclusionist values. I firmly believe that it's inappropriate for me to dictate which words someone uses to describe their experiences and whether or not their experiences are real, and I am supportive of good-faith identities. That being said:

Based on anecdotal evidence, I have reason to believe that young queer folk are vulnerable to exclusionist ideology. I see it all the time online, and I was even an exclusionist until I was 18. I think I first started internalizing exclusionist values when I was 14 or 15, when I was first exposed to it. My exclusionist talking points mainly centred around whether or not asexuality was an inherently queer identity, the "problematic" history of pansexuality, discriminatory rhetoric against xenogender folk and neopronoun users, and opposition to "contradictory" labels (e.g. bi lesbians, he/him lesbians, etc). I would spend hours scrolling through exclusionist tags on Tumblr, reading what other people had to say about it, and looking for in-depth explanations supporting exclusionist beliefs. I would never engage in debate with inclusionists, nor did I believe in harassing people (I was a shithead self-righteous kid, not malicious), but there was one instance when I expressed my exclusionist takes on Twitter and somebody picked a fight with me in my replies. I was also even in a Facebook group that was dedicated to the mockery and harassment of Lucien Frost, which is. Such a horrifically awful part of my history, good lord.

I'm really grateful to have escaped the exclusionist 'community' (is it really a community if it's built on hateful ideals?). It was really, really toxic and it made me feel so deeply angry all the time. I was angry at other people who were simply trying to live authentically, and I wanted to stop them somehow because I was convinced they were 'wrong'. There is no wrong way to exist when you aren't harming others. Queer people's identities are not wrong by virtue of being confusing, obscure, or new. I'm glad I realize this now, and I'm ashamed for believing otherwise for so long and for the damage I caused by upholding exclusionist beliefs.

I know that the popular rhetoric for why young people fall into exclusionist thought is because of their own insecurity with their marginalized identity. They feel vulnerable in a society that is fundamentally opposed to their existence, and they thus target a sub-group within their own community to blame for their oppression. They feel so vilified that they curate this narrative that other queer people are the enemy, as a way to placate the majority group. I think this was at least partially true for myself. I was an ace exclusionist because I didn't believe that asexual experiences were inherently aligned with the queer experience, nor did I believe that asexuals are systemically oppressed. I think I, as a young white trans man, was so desperate to feel... something. I don't know what I was seeking. I think I wanted a 'pure' queer community, comprised of exclusively queer people who deal with 'real' issues, and I took this out on the ace community (which is profoundly fucked up). But I don't think that my experiences fit the common narrative for why young people are exclusionists, because it didn't stem from any insecurity that I can identify several years later.

If you know someone who is currently an exclusionist, it can be frustrating. I've been there, I've been the stubborn and hateful exclusionist. I think my advice to anyone who loves an exclusionist but hates their exclusionist opinions is to be patient with them. I think a major issue with exclusionists is not wanting to actually listen to opinions that contradict their beliefs (I've seen it, a lot), but if your loved exclus is willing to actually sit down and listen to you, that's huge. The main idea that made me come to my senses and abandon exclusionism is the fact that you don't have a say in how another person identifies, nor are you even capable of judging whether or not their experiences are real. If your loved exclus is causing you distress on a regular basis, it's okay to take space from them. Exclusionist energy can be draining as fuck, it was draining for me to just harbour exclusionist beliefs, but you come first. And you may not be able to change their mind; that isn't your responsibility.

This is getting preachy, so it's time to hop off my soap box. I didn't write this post to participate in inclus/exclus discourse, I just wanted to talk about my own experiences and why I think I held those beliefs. I'm just glad that I changed; I'm more at peace now.
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draconicdog: Headshot of a Lucario. (Default)
As is the case for many queer folk, my identity has evolved enormously since I first realized I wasn't cis or straight. My first ever queer identity was as an asexual, which I retained for several years! This was succeeded by my realization that I was definitely not female, and I came out as neutrois and began using they/them pronouns. I unfortunately don't remember many of the specifics after that, but from what I recall, between the ages of 12-15 I somersaulted through dozens of different labels, struggling to understand my experiences and how to identify them. Some of the labels I used to describe myself included:
  • Neutrois, agender, demigirl, agender demigirl, genderfluid, asexual, demisexual, homoromantic asexual, homodemiromantic asexual, demiboy, agender demiboy,
You get the picture.

By the time I was 15, I had comfortably squared away into my maleness, which was ironic given that I spent so long insisting on gender neutrality. My gender identity settled there for a few years, and I decided to transition in every way I could: on April 4th 2017 I started testosterone, on September 11th 2017 my name was legally changed to [irl name that I don't disclose publicly] and my sex marker on my birth certificate was changed from female to male, I completely socially transitioned to male, I started rooming with boys when I went to sleep-away summer camps, and I became someone's boyfriend (twice: December 2017-September 2018 was my first relationship when I was out, and my second is November 2019-present). More recent successes in my transition include getting a hysterectomy on July 7th 2022 and I'm scheduled to get top surgery on September 9th 2022, 23 days away from the writing of this post! I couldn't be more happy living as a trans man; this is the life I was meant to live and I'm curating a body that is meant to be mine.

Interestingly enough, as I became more comfortable in my manhood, I began to expand my gender outwards from binary maleness. In 2021, I decided to grow my hair long for the first time since I was 14, and my shoulder-length hair makes me feel so masculine, especially when I tie it up in a ponytail and you can see the masculine hairline that was gifted to me by testosterone. I also stopped wearing a binder, though that was for medical reasons and my top dysphoria agonizes me every day. Other than my presentation, my gender identity itself is now more than male, as I realized that I'm xenogender about a year and a half ago and I started using neopronouns. The xenic aspect of my gender is pretty difficult to describe concisely, but some ways I can explain it are: aldernic, alterhuman, beast-like, related to landscapes, divinity, cosmic, and oceanic. However: I am not non-binary, I'm just xenogender. I know that non-binary doesn't mean gender neutrality or the absence of gender and rather the deviation from the Western gender binary, but the label just doesn't feel right for me. So, I'm not non-binary, I'm a binary xenogender trans man, and my xenogenders are additive to my manhood.

My sexuality is less central to my queer identity than my gender is, but it's also much more straightforward. For many years, I bounced around a bunch of labels: ace, pan, bi, straight, gay, lesbian, I've literally been every letter in the acronym. As of right now, I'm just a queer dude. Bisexual if you want to be specific, and with a preference for masculinity if you want to be even more specific. I also recently realized that I'm polyamorous, but I'm not currently practicing polyamory as I'm in a monogamous relationship, but I'm happy with where I am.
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draconicdog: Headshot of a Lucario. (Default)
Elliott

September 2022

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